Still Having Trouble

The problem with addiction is that it tears at the very core of who you are and the relationships that you have with other people. There are certain things that you will do which may never be resolved no matter how much you change. No matter how much I want to hold on to the things in my life that I cherish, I fear that I am only going to cause more harm to those that I love by doing so.

I am trying to make the right kinds of changes to make sure that I can keep my addiction at bay, but it is not easy. I feel as if I am constantly being pulled back to the things that I want to do. I also feel a resistance to being open and honest about the feelings that I have. Fear is not an emotion that I share well. I am the master at making excuses and destroying what is good in my world. This is only a new way in which I have found that I can try to become better so that I can destroy myself all over again.

Will I make it through? Will this be the dawning of a new day? Only time will tell. I am taking steps to make it happen, but what are they? I have not read any books. I know about where there are groups meeting, but I have not been to any meetings as of yet. I have also yet to start any kind of individual or group counseling. I cannot fail at this as this will mean that I am giving up on life. God, give me the strength! This is Day One!

All Alone At the End of the Day

The worst time of the day for addictions is at the end of the day when you are all alone. In fact, any time you are alone, it is the worst part of the day. You will find ways in which you will be able to feed your addiction. Making excuses as to why you can do what you want to do comes easier when you do not have to look over your shoulder. If you can get away with your addiction while other people are around, you will do that as well.

Here I sit all alone with my addiction and it is a battle. Every day is like day one! I am stuck here thinking about all of the different things that I did wrong in my life. How I have systematically driven everyone in my life away. Yet, I do not have a compulsion which comes in a neat and tidy package. I cannot simply go to the community center and join in a support group for recovering druggies or alcoholics. I have to try and find money or a sympathetic practitioner to talk about the problems I have.

What is worse is my profession at the moment requires that I am using the very tool which leads to my demise over and over again. I have lied, cheated and stolen from everyone that I have ever cared about all in the name of my addiction. I have tried to convince myself that I am a good person, but at no time have I ever confronted the true nature of what is causing me to keep going back to the well. It is not that I am damaged or that I am trying to fill a void. It is that I have an addiction which I created.

I tried something which should have been harmless, but instead I latched onto it because it gave me a feeling I could not get anywhere else. ACCEPTANCE! Even if I could only get in drips and drabs, I was able to get it here and there. Funny, because I was accepted by girlfriends and my wife along the way, but it was not enough for me. I wanted more. I wanted to be wanted! And I still do. I am a junkie and I am struggling every day.

My daughter is confused and hurt and too young to know what is going on. All she knows is that her daddy is not living at home anymore. She knows that her mommy is crying and upset. She knows that her older brother, who is old enough to understand, is mad at daddy also. She wanted to stay with me today and I had to gently get her into the car with her mommy even though she wanted to stay. I love them and I lost them all. I will find my way through this addiction and conquer this evil. I will do it for them. This is day one!

Somewhere to Start

This is day one! Before you read anything on this blog, you should know I am NOT a nice guy! I have an addiction which I did not want to admit for the longest time. I am addicted to getting online and trying to talk to anyone at all in a sexual manner. It is an obsession which was started in college through IRC chat rooms and has been an ever present part of my life ever since. I have gotten married and had kids and yet nothing stops me from going right back to it. I even was arrested and sent to jail for talking with underage females and trying to meet them. I am NOT a nice guy!

Still, I believe that I should be able to have a brighter future. I believe that I should be able to live a life without this addiction, but like any junkie, it will not be easy. I will have to fight tooth and nail and be brutally honest with myself and others. I will not be trusted and I will be hated. I have earned this and I am not looking for sympathy. All I am looking for is for people to listen to my sad story as I spell it out for you on these pages. I will not blame you for hating me or even never returning.

This is day one! I have decided that I am going to confront my addiction head on. I am no longer going to be my own worst enemy. I may have lost my wife forever, but I hope there is still a chance I can be a father. I can only do what is right and hope for the best. I will read books about addiction and conquering it. I will talk with specialists and get the help I need. I will do whatever it takes so that I can fight this demon and win!

I am thankful to anyone who might be reading this. I will remind you whenever you feel like you want to root for me, that I am NOT a nice guy. I do not deserve to get any cheers. Instead, cheer for my wife who dealt with my addiction for YEARS before finally giving up. Cheer for my son who has been through an emotional roller coaster that no child should ever go through. Cheer for my daughter who is so loving and kind that it breaks my heart to think of a life without her in it. They deserve your warmth and your praise for they are saints and I will conquer this addiction for them. Even if I can never see them again in my life, I do it for them. This is the first day of my journey. This is day one!