The problem with addiction is that it tears at the very core of who you are and the relationships that you have with other people. There are certain things that you will do which may never be resolved no matter how much you change. No matter how much I want to hold on to the things in my life that I cherish, I fear that I am only going to cause more harm to those that I love by doing so.
I am trying to make the right kinds of changes to make sure that I can keep my addiction at bay, but it is not easy. I feel as if I am constantly being pulled back to the things that I want to do. I also feel a resistance to being open and honest about the feelings that I have. Fear is not an emotion that I share well. I am the master at making excuses and destroying what is good in my world. This is only a new way in which I have found that I can try to become better so that I can destroy myself all over again.
Will I make it through? Will this be the dawning of a new day? Only time will tell. I am taking steps to make it happen, but what are they? I have not read any books. I know about where there are groups meeting, but I have not been to any meetings as of yet. I have also yet to start any kind of individual or group counseling. I cannot fail at this as this will mean that I am giving up on life. God, give me the strength! This is Day One!
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