All Alone At the End of the Day

The worst time of the day for addictions is at the end of the day when you are all alone. In fact, any time you are alone, it is the worst part of the day. You will find ways in which you will be able to feed your addiction. Making excuses as to why you can do what you want to do comes easier when you do not have to look over your shoulder. If you can get away with your addiction while other people are around, you will do that as well.

Here I sit all alone with my addiction and it is a battle. Every day is like day one! I am stuck here thinking about all of the different things that I did wrong in my life. How I have systematically driven everyone in my life away. Yet, I do not have a compulsion which comes in a neat and tidy package. I cannot simply go to the community center and join in a support group for recovering druggies or alcoholics. I have to try and find money or a sympathetic practitioner to talk about the problems I have.

What is worse is my profession at the moment requires that I am using the very tool which leads to my demise over and over again. I have lied, cheated and stolen from everyone that I have ever cared about all in the name of my addiction. I have tried to convince myself that I am a good person, but at no time have I ever confronted the true nature of what is causing me to keep going back to the well. It is not that I am damaged or that I am trying to fill a void. It is that I have an addiction which I created.

I tried something which should have been harmless, but instead I latched onto it because it gave me a feeling I could not get anywhere else. ACCEPTANCE! Even if I could only get in drips and drabs, I was able to get it here and there. Funny, because I was accepted by girlfriends and my wife along the way, but it was not enough for me. I wanted more. I wanted to be wanted! And I still do. I am a junkie and I am struggling every day.

My daughter is confused and hurt and too young to know what is going on. All she knows is that her daddy is not living at home anymore. She knows that her mommy is crying and upset. She knows that her older brother, who is old enough to understand, is mad at daddy also. She wanted to stay with me today and I had to gently get her into the car with her mommy even though she wanted to stay. I love them and I lost them all. I will find my way through this addiction and conquer this evil. I will do it for them. This is day one!